"In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)
Down the rabbit hole is exactly how I felt, a little less than a year ago. I fell hard, and was somehow, stupidly, completely oblivious as to how hard a relapse would hit me. I was talking about it today... because I remember times of year, associations, anniversaries, and such.
I remember how the spring semester of last year started badly, and ended worse. I remember when "having a hard time" became "I don't give a shit anymore"... it happened much faster than any other time I remember.
I remember feeling so helpless, so lonely, and just so... miserable. To be blunt, I'm scared that it'll happen again. But here's the thing I realized in my conversation today -- I was so reckless then. Sometimes this fear of repeating the whole charade is uncomfortable, sometimes it produces a lot of anxiety, but.. I'm scared of it. The recklessness is gone because I saw what my "throw caution to the wind" attitude resulted in.. a flinging of myself down the rabbit hole. I didn't think about how I'd get out of the mess, I just wallowed in it. It took months to even ponder getting myself out -- and I'm still in the process.
I'm being very careful .. it's not always comfortable. But there is no recklessness, for once. No lingering curiosity of "what if..." .. I satisfied that curiosity, unfortunately or fortunately. It has been a slow climb uphill, but a climb nonetheless. So I'm trying to make new associations. Trying to avoid losing myself. Trying to find a balance.. which is hard for me. But I'm still trying.. and slowly, and very cautiously... succeeding.
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)
Down the rabbit hole is exactly how I felt, a little less than a year ago. I fell hard, and was somehow, stupidly, completely oblivious as to how hard a relapse would hit me. I was talking about it today... because I remember times of year, associations, anniversaries, and such.
I remember how the spring semester of last year started badly, and ended worse. I remember when "having a hard time" became "I don't give a shit anymore"... it happened much faster than any other time I remember.
I remember feeling so helpless, so lonely, and just so... miserable. To be blunt, I'm scared that it'll happen again. But here's the thing I realized in my conversation today -- I was so reckless then. Sometimes this fear of repeating the whole charade is uncomfortable, sometimes it produces a lot of anxiety, but.. I'm scared of it. The recklessness is gone because I saw what my "throw caution to the wind" attitude resulted in.. a flinging of myself down the rabbit hole. I didn't think about how I'd get out of the mess, I just wallowed in it. It took months to even ponder getting myself out -- and I'm still in the process.
I'm being very careful .. it's not always comfortable. But there is no recklessness, for once. No lingering curiosity of "what if..." .. I satisfied that curiosity, unfortunately or fortunately. It has been a slow climb uphill, but a climb nonetheless. So I'm trying to make new associations. Trying to avoid losing myself. Trying to find a balance.. which is hard for me. But I'm still trying.. and slowly, and very cautiously... succeeding.
I love that you recognize there is a hole and that it is a slippery slope. I'm still there -- I think I'll always know that their is a looming hole (and really, I think that's a good thing for me so that I keep focusing on higher things!)
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that you're choosing to no longer BEING reckless. You may have moments of uncertainty, but as long as you tread slowly and keep moving forward, you will stay out of that hole.
You are TRYING -- and you are SUCCEEDING!
I have all the faith in the world in you Katie. Negative associations are tough, but you are aware of them and are acting proactively against them. You cannot FALL in the rabbit hole; you must choose to jump in order to be there.
ReplyDeleteI'm here rooting for you all the way.
I cannot express what joy it gives me to read this! I am so very proud of you and your indomitable will. <3 <3
ReplyDelete