Dentist and Reality

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I used to not mind it. I used to wonder why people hated the dentist. As a child, it wasn't that bad. I never had a cavity until I was 21 years old. I went that time because my teeth and were sensitive. Why was no surprise. I had 4 cavities that time. The kicker: 2 were in the back of my front teeth. I was honest with the dentist about my past and current situation, but at that point, was there really any need to spell it out?

Last year, I had a cavity so big there was a gaping hole in my tooth. The dentist said I might need a root canal. A few months ago, while eating a biscotti on the way back from the doctor's office from yet another ED-related complication, the tooth broke in half. One minute you're eating a treat you haven't been allowing yourself lately and the next your chewing on a piece of your goddamn tooth. I didn't have dental insurance, and had to pay almost $800 for half of a crown. The worst is the harsh reality I'm faced with: I've done this to myself. I can't whiten my teeth because the enamel is all but gone, rendering them much too sensitive. Tomorrow I will go in and warn them, the roots are exposed. Please be careful, my teeth are very sensitive. The reasons why are written in my records, like all my other medical records.

I'm pretty sure I have at least another cavity. I still have no dental insurance. It's always a dose of reality: like it or not, I've damaged my body in ways I'd like to forget. At 25, I've already resigned myself to veneers as soon as I can afford them, because it seems like a better idea than dentures and because I'm ashamed. It's a reality I can't escape. I can't forget because you can't wreak havoc on your body for years and have it not show up somehow, somewhere. I once went a year without going to the dentist, out of sheer embarrassment. I don't do that anymore. Last year I began confronting the medical problems, embarrassing as they were. I won't hide from reality anymore.

Once upon a time, I saw no hope in trying to make things better because my body was already in such bad shape. But much of it has gotten a lot better already. And maybe it will, and maybe it won't. But in the middle of last year, I stopped burying my head in the sand. But sometimes, reality bites.